Man Jailed for Ripping Off Woman's Toe with Pliers

That is the title of an article I read today on a news site. A woman owed $1,000 to her drug dealer and he taught her a lesson. I don't have anything funny to write about. What I did want to share was that I'm slightly concerned about my brain functioning. When I read the title of the article I actually wondered to myself how a man could have used pliers to financially take advantage of a woman's toe. What the hell?

Just Joking

Lauren Johnson is a 12 year old girl from Virgina and is a normal sixth-grader in all respects... aside from the fact that she sneezes about 8 or 9 times a minute. The poor girl can't even speak a full sentence without being interrupted. The sneezing fit began about two weeks ago and has only let up in her sleep. Doctors are clueless and medications aren't making any difference. Now her family doesn't know what to do next.


I have a suggestion. It may seem a tad harsh and even despicable, but it's rational. Euthanasia. That's right. I'm not saying kill her, but if she continues sneezing 12,000 times a day I would think she'd want out... bad. I know I would. It's only a matter of time before she gets whiplash from a sneeze gone wrong and develops mental disorders and inferiority complexes causing her to live in seclusion before she's through her teen years. As her mom put it; "I know she's miserable."
Gezundheit!

she's very driven (no pun intended)

A South Korean woman has finally scored a passing grade on the written portion of her driver's license test. 'Why is this news,' you ask? I'll tell you why it's news. It's news because it was her 950th attempt. Cha Sa-soon, 68, has spent over $4,200 dollars in the last 4 years on application fees alone, which is a pretty big investment for someone who just wants to be able to "sell vegetables."

source: BBC

Now I know some people just can't drive, but what I find particularly astounding about this story is that she didn't accidentally pass on one of the first 949 tries, especially because it's a multiple choice test. This story doesn't fall under the category of 'human interest,' I'm pretty sure that someone failing a multiple choice test 949 times in a row is a statistical anomaly. If anyone knows of any mathematicians who are capable of such a calculation, please let me know so this can be published in a scientific journal.

Anyways, she should have just gone with all "C"s the first time and saved her time and money.

How to Fight Terrorism: Outside the Box

A couple of days ago the BBC reported that two militants were killed by a bear while hiding out in a cave in Kashmir. The militants were armed with assault rifles but still couldn't fend off the bear's attack. There is no reason why two people with assault rifles shouldn't be able to kill a bear. If one was killed, fine, but a bear can't eat two people at once. After the first militant was attacked, the other one should have had every opportunity to shoot the bear... unless unlike innocent civilians, bears are somehow immune to militant attacks.



Call me crazy, but I think Western armies should take a cue from this awesomely ridiculous incident and stop ignoring the effectiveness of bears when it comes to fighting terror, especially in this new era of guerilla warfare. What I propose is this: instead of bombing suspected terrorist hideouts and severely damaging infrastructure, our armies should drop honey bombs on militants and then release some bears to sniff them out. Think about it. No more concerns about damaged bridges, roads and buildings that require millions of dollars to rebuild, just dead terrorists, well-fed bears and sticky streets.

What will they think of next?

Source: BBC

A Japanese hi-tec firm has invented a headset that can translate foreign languages and beam the subtitles on to your retinas. Seriously. Using built-in software and a microphone, the best toy ever conceived by mankind can pick up what language is being spoken and project subtitles onto your eyes in real time. They are scheduled to go on sale in Japan next year for about $2,000 a pair. I don't know about you guys but when I hear people conversing in foreign languages, I'm curious to know what they're saying about me (because they are talking about me. Always.). Welcome to the brave new world.

The Concert T Standard

I'm a big fan of concert merch. Going to a show always includes checking out what they're selling. In particular, I like to look for the unique swag that you don't see at every show, such as the USB keys that the White Stripes sold on their Icky Thump tour or the tea towels for sale on Nick Cave's last tour. Pearl Jam have been on tour since August and have made the coolest concert Ts I've ever seen. Each city on the tour got its own custom T-shirt with a logo taken from a local sports team. Check 'em out:

Calgary
Aug 8
Flames









Toronto
Aug 21
Maple Leafs









Chicago
Aug 23, 24
Cubs









Seattle
Sep 21
Seahawks







Seattle
Sep 22
Supersonics











Vancouver
Sep 25
Canucks











Portland
Sep 26
Trail Blazers









Salt Lake City
Sep 28
Jazz








LA
Sep 30 & Oct 6
Dodgers









LA
Oct 1 & 7
Lakers









Austin
Oct 4
Longhorns







San Diego
Oct 9
Padres

So Goddam Weird

This is one of the creepiest things I've ever read. A student at a community college in Illinois was recently busted for sneaking into female dorms at night and... rubbing their legs as they slept.

What a deviant.

My immediate thought was that this guy is the most half-assed rapist ever, but now I'm wondering if maybe he thought he couldn't be charged with rape under the justification that it's not an inherent sexual act to touch someone's leg. If I'm right and that was his plan, then as much as I disapprove of his actions, he deserves credit for a plan well-executed... he was only charged with criminal trespass.


At least he was a leg man. It definitely could've been worse.

Things you see in upstate NY

Summer '08. Amish drive-thru. Amazing.

Nirvana The Band The Show

Thank god that I was introduced to this show two nights ago by a friend's roommate. The comedy employed by the two main characters as they strive to reach their ultimate goal of playing the Rivoli (aim high, kids!) can only be described as perfect. Nirvana The Band The Show is brilliantly idiotic and thus meets any and all of my entertainment requirements. You can watch it on their website by clicking here.

Foolishness

On crutches yet taking the stairs. Why???

Nick Cave > U2

This past Wednesday, the rock n roll deity known as Nick Cave did an interview with Alan Cross live at the Indigo bookstore in the Eaton Centre to promote his 2nd novel The Death of Bunny Monroe. I'm a huge fan of his and went with a friend to go check it out. Unfortunately, we didn't get the chance to say hello bc there were hundreds of punctual people in line ahead of us. Who knew he could draw such a big crowd to a book signing?


After our pilgrimage to the Eaton Centre we had to bolt to the Rogers Centre for the first of two sold out U2 shows. I'm not a big fan of theirs, but it was definitely one of the coolest stage setups I've ever seen. I was in the nosebleeds and 'the claw' literally went above me.





The next day I was wandering on Yonge Street while taking a break at work and saw a crowd gathered at the Edge studios. I easily maneuvered my way through the crowd to see who or what everyone was looking at. Then I saw this:


I'm sure that other people present would have appreciated being this close to Bono's shades way more than I did, so I find it strange that I was able to walk right up next to him while there were several hundred fans jockeying for position. I really don't understand how it was possible. Perhaps this posting was meant to be. Either way, it was nice of the band to take some time away from meeting with world leaders and saving the planet to do a radio interview for their fans.
Sexy Boots...

Is this your zaidy?

This guy was hanging out this morning in the Eaton Centre's food court. I may have to report this stylish look to the Sartorialist.
An old man in a (women's?) sleeveless button down denim shirt and extra short jean shorts. So trendy.

... I feel bad if he has alzheimer's.

They're out of Orange Crush, but there are plenty of worms

I saw this vending machine at a gas station in Kitchener today.



Three questions:
How are they stored?
How long until the product "expires" and is no longer 'live' as advertised?
Where do worms stand on PETA's priority list?

I regret not buying any.

Re: Protest of TIFF's focus on Tel-Aviv

On a rare serious note:

The more liberal elements of warring countries should be embraced and encouraged. If someone is opposed to the way Israel conducts itself, shouldn't they be supporting and propping up the film makers who create their art, despite the negative things occurring in the region?
Unfortunately, there are many unfortunate things going on in the world. I think that any and all positive expressions should be applauded, wherever they are created.

Sudbury and Back Again: A Photo Journal

I traveled four hours north of Toronto to Sudbury this past week... twice. Here are some photos.

I ate DQ served in a bra.

Sudbury stylin': T-shirt tucked into white tiger pants.
I asked this guy for directions and learned the hard way how obsessed people in Sudbury are with giving directions. He wouldn't let me drive off until I assured him I had memorized where I was going. So creepy.

Never in my life did I think I'd see a sign pointing me towards "the Soo."

This had to be done. You only live once!

Yes! A record store in Chelmsford, ON.
I was disappointed to learn that it was just a big sign on someone's front lawn.


I was pulled over on the side of the road taking notes. The lady in this car pulled over next to me and motioned for me to roll down my window. "Do you need any directions? Are you lost?"
True story.

This shot was taken for work. I only noticed in the office today what the name of this store is.

It sucks to be stuck for half an hour behind a truck transporting livestock when you're desperate to speed home after driving over 4 hours to do 20 minutes of work. It REALLY sucks when the smell seeps into your car's AC and sticks around even after you've had the chance to pass it.

Good times.

Pearl Jam 8/21/2009 @ The Molson Amphitheatre

The show itself was rather standard for a PJ show. There were a couple of bustouts of rare tunes that I really enjoyed, but the rest of the setlist didn't meet my lofty expectations. Still, the crowd raged and I have no complaints. I'd rather watch these guys than see most other bands, regardless of the setlist. What did make this show utterly unique, however, was the fact that the lead singer of the opening band didn't make it.
Scheduled to open were Ted Leo & The Pharmacists. Around 7:30 Eddie Vedder came out onstage and explained that Ted was stuck in NY and they would do their best to entertain us. Eddie ended up playing a couple of Neil Young tunes followed by performances by 4 of the 5 members of PJ. Then, the Pharmacists came out to play a few tunes sans their lead singer and even became Eddie Vedder & The Pharmacists for an Iggy Pop cover. Pearl Jam basically opened for themselves!
Moral of the story: Never miss the opening band, kids. You never know what could happen.

They played:
Of The Girl, Corduroy, Severed Hand, Why Go, Brain Of J, I Am Mine, The Fixer, Given To Fly, Off He Goes, Even Flow, Unemployable, Faithful, Down, Got Some, 1/2 Full, Lukin, Not For You/(Modern Girl - Sleater Kinney), Do The Evolution
1st encore: Inside Job, Wishlist, Black, Alive
2nd encore: Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town, Wasted Reprise, Better Man/(Save It For Later), Porch, Rockin' In The Free World

And here's Eddie doing Neil's "Sugar Mountain." Sweeeeeet.

From the University Days

I took this picture a few years ago outside my War & Peace in the Middle East lecture. This huge woman just kept stuffing change into the machine. She could have at least gotten diet. Am I a bad person?

Do you think she ate the bottles too?
Sorry.

If you see a zombie, decapitate it.

Source: BBC NEWS

Professor Robert Smith?, a really weird scientist from the University of Ottawa who has a "?" in his legal surname has built a scientific model of a zombie outbreak. According to the overpaid prof, zombies must be dealt with "quickly & aggressively" in order to prevent a great risk of civilization collapsing.
The entire scientific community is not in agreement, however, that the model is entirely accurate. A chief advisor of the United Kingdom's swine-flu control team acknowledged a variable that the study foolishly neglected; "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever. So perhaps they are being a little over-pessimistic when they conclude that zombies might take over a city in three or four days."

Sigh.